itotoro | Reflection on Reflections - a thematic commentary

When will my reflection show // who I am inside?

Exactly what it says on the tin. This is a commentary on the theme of reflections appearing in my my writing over the past few years entwined with a fic commentary for some stories I'm fond of but can't justify (to myself) a full-blown fic commentary for.

Warning: SPOILERS FOR THE FOLLOWING FICS:

salt water
She looks sad, the Jisu that stares back at her from the water.

Background:
I had been itching to write ITZY fic since I've been writing. But I couldn't really find the subject matter to tackle; also Ryuryeong (the only ITZY ship I was interested in for a hot minute) was, tragically, NOT fit with my wheelhouse of narrative. AND THEN LIA WENT ON HIATUS. So what was I supposed to do???

Surprisingly, the answer came with girl's group jukebox round 4 when I was struck by lightning. I loved the song I picked so much that I even made a fucking mind map just to make sure I squeezed it dry (in a fic about submerging in salt water, haha).

Reflections:
The Jisu of the story is searching for the part of herself that she lost. In salt water, she reflects (haha) on who she was and who she should be, and who she is when she feels like she's neither of those things. Her reflection in the water feels distant and detached, like an out-of-body experience. When we see mirrors for the first time we don't know what it is until someone tells us, "hey, it's you!" In some ways, Jisu is wondering if she really still is herself.

I'm not sure if it stood out to anyone, but Jisu's act of stepping into her reflection by stepping into the water is a manifestation of her desire to reconnect with herself, to "become herself" again. Writing that was a breakthrough moment for me with where I wanted the story to go thematically and marked a turning point for Jisu of the fic.

Bonus material:

Every iteration of this fic involved Jisu's hiatus and the beach... but at some point Yuna was crashing on Jisu's beach vacation with her family???? maybe they could've kissed???? Truly the Yuna/Lia tag shouldn't really be here but also this fic is for ME!
this is such a reflective fic... the number of times i had to backspace on 'reflect' and 'mirrors' while writing this commentary
i think far by sza's gonna end up in my top 3 songs on spotify because of the sheer amount of times i replayed it...had me by the throat

bubble maker
The woman in the full-length mirror is not him, not even by a fraction—a girl group idol through and through, dainty, dolled up, and ready.

Background:
God... when I got shiloh for my ficmix I just knew I had to remix to those who wait, a STAYC canon compliant post-disbandment fic where Sieun comes out as Trans and Sumin stars with him in a drama series. ONCE IN A LIFETIME MOMENT TO REMIX A FAVE FIC I HAD TO GRAB IT!

Even before this fic, I was itching to explore an alternate version of the story where Sumin and Sieun actually figure it out during canon instead of after. I was also a little in love with Transmasc Sieun and wanted to explore him at his MESSIEST. At the same time I felt so unqualified for it because I wasn't trans and I was so afraid of fucking it up...like really...eternal thanks forever to Roy for helping me navigate this fic because I wouldn't have even tried if not for him. Hence the existence of this love letter, which is also a reflection (haha) on the original.

There were so many ways this fic could've gone (and gone wrong):A Sumin POV, a Sumin misandrist POV (which in hindsight I could never write because it would take forever), a Slice of Love AU where Sumin was a cashier and Sieun was this hot delivery boy, but I'm very satisfied with what I wrote. Again, it's thanks to Roy that I mustered the courage to write this in Sieun's pre-transition POV.

Reflections:
I have written exactly two fics (so far) with transness as a theme and both of them heavily involve reflections. Truth be told, bubble maker is in many ways an evolution of gilded cage a.k.a. the discord between the inner and outer self and a reflection obscures rather than reveals. In bubble maker, Sieun is at odds with his reflection, seeing in it everything he doesn't feel: pretty, petite, and put together. There are moments in the story where Sieun sees glimpses of what he wants to be, through his guy best friend and through his interactions with Sieun, but the reflection slaps him in the face again and again with where he's stuck. It's an experience I could relate to over the years, having also gone through that cold bucket of water moment of looking at the mirror and seeing everything that's wrong with myself.

Sieun's experience of himself changes for the better as Sumin collides with him in Chicago and at multiple points in the story. It helps that this story's version of Sumin got to watch a TV show called Slice of Love where she's introduced to the prospect of a hot trans man but, versus to those who wait!Sumin, it's bubble maker!Sumin who reaches out to Sieun and finally sees him in a way he's always wanted to be seen. This is captured in Sieun's view of his reflection in the second to the last scene, where instead of animosity he draws strength from his girl group self. I think of it as Sieun accepting that the current transitory (haha trans) phase of his life is still a part of his life, but only a part.

Bonus material:

I imagine Sumin at some point googling "how to care for your trans friend" and learning about pronouns and gender expressions versus sexual attraction...go girl!
My headcanon of Sieun in every existence is that his first love is IU (I actually have a wip of a highschool/college au where Sieun brings girlfriend Sumin to an IU book signing and their interaction makes Sumin insanely jealous). Isn't it so fun that bubble maker!Sieun thinks of his life as an IU playlist?
In gilded cage I tackle the image of a body constricting what's inside; for Sieun, the body is fused with the eyes of society and the eyes of the woman he loves, so what a relief it is that Sumin's vision of him does not constrict at all.

the time now is precious
Destruction of universes. Jihyo thinks she sees herself. Thinks she recognizes the memories playing on the glass surfaces, the immense anger bubbling beneath her skin.

Background:
Love love love forestday's universe courier service au like delivery was the Shit...so when forestday told me that there existed a Much Sadder, Much Tragic first edition my brain EXPLODED! AND THEN, A YEAR LATER, I GET SOME INSIDER LORE ON MY FRONT PORCH!!!!!!!

BOOM KAPOW The rest is history this was a surprise happy birthday story for my dear beloved. It's probably in my top 5 fics ~~even if nobody reads it jfjfjfjdjdjsdj~~ but i love it to bits because it's just that special. Getting to flesh out forestday's universe courier service au AND destroy waterworld??? Score.

Reflections:
The reflection scene of this fic is one of my favorite things i've ever written. Jihyo's past and the reason for the courier service is left mostly in the dark for the universe AU's whole body of work, but I really wanted to do justice to the gravity of the crime that amounts to such a grave punishment. In the time now is precious, reflections serve a glimpse into the unknown (or the hidden), which is so destructive that it threatens to unravel Jihyo's existence itself. Isn't the experience of being truly known just as potent?

Bonus material:

So many forestday-itotoro easter eggs... so fucking many
while you're here please read forestday's entire body of work do it for me <3

in every universe
Staring at Nayeon through the parallel universes is like peering through a kaleidoscope of shattered glass.

Background:
As an mod of for the record disc two, I stepped up to the challenge of joining my fellow mod in writing the song with zero picks (which was, in fact, not writer in the dark.) I fumbled the bag in disc one so I really really really wanted to deliver for disc two. It helped that the song was so dense with lyricism and emotional gravitas that it inspired me to write something just as compelling, but really? by itotoro?

Anyway, Liability (Reprise) really inspired the fic from bottom to top, but not in a very straightforward way. It made me feel nonverbal actually, but in my head I was experiencing feelings of a love that transcends all things, the inability to believe in that love and the desire to prove it time and time again. I experienced the song in a very indescribable emotional way, so the challenge for me was trying to capture the song's essence into a fic. Also the song is the shortest in the album so it felt right for me to keep the fic short as fuck.

Reflections:
While having no mirrors in the conventional sense, this fic is a pile of reflections—different parallel universes of what have been, could have been, is, and could be. Nayeon grapples with the fear of only ever amounting to the destructive and violent parts of herself visibile in the reflections, but failing to see the part of her that cares so much for Jihyo that she'd rather suffer than risk it all.

This fic is also a literal interpretation of the magic of poetry, where different discordant images combined together reveal a meaning between the lines. Nayeon is literally the entity in between all these different parallel versions of herself, a sum of the parts but so much greater—Jihyo recognizes that and sees someone she wants to be with for the rest of her parallel lives. So in each reflection she proves it, chases Nayeon down until Nayeon realizes that Jihyo loves every bit of her, even the bits in between the bits. ~~Me when~~

Bonus material:

I played Liability (Reprise) exclusively on youtube... which means it will not show up on spotify top 5 but it might as well have.
Literally could not understand the lyrics until the 100th read or smth like this song really made me go nonverbal. Thankfully vibes on point.
ICYMI, Nayeon is a little more than human
there's a version of this where it's jeongyeon instead of jihyo... but that one got too sappy too fast. I wanted violence.

Endnote
Reflections have done a lot of heavy lifting for me in various ways, but the through-line for these stories is that reflections are a lens to the self. Whether we know or don't know, whether we love or hate, whether we seek or hide—the reflection reflect the self, but the comfort is that the reflection is only a small part at a moment in time. The stories show that there is so much beyond the reflections that make up the real self.

What a wonderful thing it is, to be truly known.